I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
