So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
