I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
