So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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