I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
