his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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