The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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