if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
babies were throwing up all over the place
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
