i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's official drugs can't kill me
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
