I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
