Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
