i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
