I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
