Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
