i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I need to align my fucking chakras
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
