u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
