Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
