I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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