That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
