I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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