one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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