i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
wow bdsm is so cute
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
