I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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