No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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