im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
