You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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