hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
