Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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