he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
