i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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