i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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