I cannot find my penis.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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