anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
