Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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