a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
