Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
