Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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