Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
