I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
