Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
