remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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