Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
