I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
