You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
