He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
