Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
