u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
