I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
