If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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