Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
