Where is the hickey?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
this beer tastes like vomit already
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
