i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
