after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
