I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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