apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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