Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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